Reply options to haka are many and varied   7 Nov 2014

English rugby scribe Oliver Brown caused quite a stir yesterday when likening the All Blacks' haka to a circus act.

He whinged about the fact that opposition teams weren't given "the right to reply".

Brown failed to put forward any suggestions about what that reply could be for the strong rugby playing nations.

So we thought we would do that for him and examine what the next 10 teams in the world rankings could offer in reply to the haka.

The list excludes Samoa, Fiji and Tonga, who already have war dances of their own to offer in reply.

SOUTH AFRICA - Zulu war dance

The South Africans already have a ready made response to the haka in the Zulu war dance. The problem probably lies that they don't have the same record of embracing indigenous people as New Zealand does.

Although Apartheid ended two decades ago it might still be too soon for the Zulu people to allow the predominantly white team to use their sacred dance for sporting endeavours. The team might also not want to perform it.

ENGLAND - Morris dancing

It has to be morris dancing. Fanatics of the art form say it originated as a martial art, so it could have some traction here.

What could be more terrifying than watching Manu Tuilagi jigging rhythmically with bell pads on his shins and a flowery waistcoat?

AUSTRALIA - Singing

Remember the days when the Wallabies used to trot out John Williamson to sing Waltzing Matilda after the haka?

It was banned by the IRB before the 2003 World Cup, around the same time the Wallabies last won the Bledisloe Cup. Coincidence? We think not. 

Or maybe they should get Meatloaf to sing after the haka. His performance before the 2011 AFL Grand Final sent a shiver up the spine for all the wrong reasons.

 

IRELAND - Riverdance

Line up a bare-chested, headband-wearing Michael Flatley in front of 23 burly men and let the legs fly. Nothing would be more awe-inspiring than that.

Alternatively they could do the ancient Irish war dance called the "dancing Drogheda".

It involves men dancing around with a large wooden club, known as a shillelagh, keeping time to music with feet, arms and weapons all swaying in a mimic battle.

WALES - Nantgarw tradition dancing

This style of Welsh dancing involves handkerchiefs, sticks, clogs and two groups of eight (so a full team and one off the subs bench). It could be led by Gavin Henson, who has starred on Strictly Come Dancing.

Either that or they could summon one of their fire-breathing dragons to strike the fear into the All Blacks.

FRANCE - Arrogance

The French are known for being full of themselves so before, during and after the haka they should just saunter around with their noses pointed to the sky and chow down on a baguette or croissant.

Whatever they do they should not follow the lead of the French arthritis help group Arthrose. Their elderly rendition of the haka left a lot to be desired.

SCOTLAND - Sword dancing

Before the All Blacks inevitably put the Scots to the sword, they could get their own back.

The ancient dance dates back to the 15th century and could be finished with a Braveheart-style lifting of the kilt. They could then charge across the 20 metres separating the teams screaming "FREEDOM". 

ARGENTINA - Tango

The sensual partner dance originated in Argentina and Uruguay. The lead could be taken by the forwards, as they fling around their fleet-footed backs.

There are few things more spectacular than a well performed tango.

JAPAN - Kata

It is basically the martial arts equivalent of shadow boxing, only so much better.

It contains a series of individual training exercises used by Japanese in martial arts such as aikido, judo, kendo and karate. When you watch some of the Kata champions in action, it reminds you somewhat of a war dance. 

The might also want to consider changing their nickname, which is either the Cherry Blossoms or Brave Blossoms. It hardly strikes fear into the hearts of opposition.

ITALY - Opera

The Italian national anthem is already essentially a theatre performance. Why not continue such passion and man-singing through to a short operatic performance after the haka?

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