“She went mad, so I shot her.”
23 Jul 2009
For someone born in the heartland town of Hawera, Justin Brown is more modern man than man alone when it comes to the origins of Kiwi Speak, his best-selling and hilarious take on the Kiwi language.
“I guess the book started off as a love letter to my family,” he admits. “It sounds gushy, but I wanted to put down in words how my – and every other – Kiwi family speaks. Originally it started off as Farm Speak, but soon people were saying, ‘Hey, you’ve got to put in the KFC ad!’”
The book is broken down into sections that run the gamut of Kiwi life, from language befitting a specific time and place (such as ‘Farm Speak’ and ‘Saturday Sport Speak’ – “if that’s 10 metres ref, I’d like you to fit me a carpet!”) to the more general ‘Mum Speak’ and ‘Dad Speak’ chapters.
And for a love letter, Brown is happy to tell it like it is – or was. “Go and play in the traffic”, “Where’s Mum? She went mad, so I shot her” and “Go and get me some ciggies from the Dairy – I’ll time ya” are just a few of the sayings every Kiwi of a certain, perhaps less politically correct, era will fondly recognise from their own childhood. Each saying is accompanied by an explanation of its origin or meaning, helpful to those who might be new to New Zealand or, as Brown writes, “born before Helen started running the joint.”
Kiwi Speak took Brown, also a radio DJ and author of children’s books, more than six months to put together from a variety of sources including friends, library archives and “a lot of eavesdropping.”
“I was very pleased when it went to the printer. It meant I could listen to my own mates and family without listening to the people at the next table!”
Kiwi Speak is the sort of book to make any New Zealander laugh, cry and cringe – or perhaps all three at once. Below is a small selection of choice sayings from the book.
MAN SPEAK
“I should finish reading The Penguin History of New Zealand this week.”
Things you’ll never hear a self-respecting Kiwi male say.
ROAD-RAGE SPEAK
“It’s just a small ding.”
What the 16-year-old says to the car’s owner when he hits the pine tree in the driveway.
NANA SPEAK
“Happy as Larry.”
The earliest printed reference to the above is from New Zealand writer G Meredith, dating from around 1875: ‘We would be as happy as Larry were it not for the rats.’
DAD SPEAK
“Go and ask your mother for a plate for the meat.”
If I had a sausage for every time I heard my Dad say this, I’d have the world’s biggest casserole.
MUM SPEAK
“No wonder you’re not hungry, you had a 50 cent mix half and hour ago.”
Once upon a time a bag of lollies was the size of your hand. They lasted for weeks. And you could never eat all your tea. Oh well…
CLASSIC KIWI SPEAK
“You can’t handle the jandal!”
I only recently learnt that the common Kiwi jandal got its name from a contraction of ‘Japanese sandal.’ The above would have been perfect in a New Zealand version of A Few Good Men. ‘You can’t handle…the jandal!’
RETRO SCHOOL SPEAK
“Mr Bellamy’s banned Bull Rush!”
Known in Britain as Bulldog, Bull Rush wasn’t a game for the slow or weak. Indeed, it was a lunchtime activity characterised by its high levels of violence and physicality. This is probably why it was banned. But hell we had a good time!
Kiwi Speak, along with Brown’s other books Rugby Speak and Cricket Speak, are available on Amazon UK www.amazon.co.uk
