Relax, nothing is under control... the Holistic Helper's guide to dealing with the unexpected   29 Aug 2014

Tricia Alach

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Tricia Alach

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As regular readers of this column already know, I am a bit of a fan when it comes to change. Evaluating your life, deciding how you want to make the most of the time you have left and then taking steps towards creating this vision can be exciting, empowering and rewarding…even when things don’t go exactly to plan.

But every now and again a change comes along that is not of your own making. Something unexpected that comes out of the blue and impacts your life in ways you didn’t envisage and hadn’t planned for. Our bodies tend to respond to these events as if they were threats – the unexpectedness itself creates a shock to the system - even if our rational brain conceives of it as the best thing ever.

This is something that recently happened to me so I thought I’d devote this week’s column to examining some of the things to expect when you’re unexpecting.

Unsettled is your new normal

When something unexpected happens it can be very unsettling – physically, emotionally and mentally. Mood swings are likely as your cycle through all the emotions of processing change, your mind goes into overdrive trying to make (or create) some sense of the new situation and your body can be affected in numerous ways.  Hormones in particular are susceptible at this time which might trigger changes in appetite, sleep patterns, metabolism and menstrual cycles.

Temporary doesn’t mean quick

One of the great tools of meditation is that it teaches us to observe our feelings and thoughts as temporary and fleeting, ever changing and therefore not worth getting attached to. And while this remains true through this process you might find that this unsettled feeling lasts a little longer than most. Some people even find that the physical effects of dealing with the unexpected come long after the immediate situation has passed so pay attention to bodily changes that linger or appear in the year following the big change.

You lose your sense of purpose

Most of us, when pushed could come up with an explanation for why we get out of bed and do the things we do each day. Many of these explanations would relate in some way to our innate sense of purpose – our beliefs about why we are here in the world or what we want to achieve. When the unexpected happens, especially if our life is materially or physically affected in some way it can be hard to hold on to that sense of purpose and in some cases may actually be something you now need to let go.

So what can you do when the unexpected happens? Here are a few tips to help you along the way:

Acknowledge the fear

A lot of the ways in which we respond to the unexpected are simply manifestations of our old friend ‘the stress response’. Anything that is perceived as a threat can trigger this response prompting our brains to ready our bodies for fight or flight. Uncertainty is often central to our experience of the unexpected and this usually sends our brain into overdrive trying to regain a sense of control of the situation – often by making fast and sometimes rash decisions which then need to be unmade. Try this instead:

Instead of racing to try and restore order and control over the situation, spend some time writing down what is scary about the experience. Dig a little deeper than your first answer and you will start to identify the sources of primordial fear that are in turn triggering your stress response.

For example:

• If you’ve lost your job the first response will probably be that you’re scared of not being able to pay your bills. Underneath this concern though lurks the fear that comes from a perceived threat to security which, as students of Maslow know, is our most basic human need.
• If you suddenly find yourself moving to a new country this fear might be around not knowing anyone in the new location which taps into our need to belong or have a sense of community in our lives.

And so on…

Acknowledging these fears might not make them go away but it does mean you can decide what to do with them. Simply seeing them for what they are may be enough to diffuse their power and if not, you will be better placed to seek help if you need it.

Get some perspective

Our tendency to go into our own heads and ruminate on our worries can actually make things seem much worse than they are. Several techniques are useful for regaining perspective on a situation, even if it continues to be characterised by uncertainty:

Accept facts, solve problems

The fact is you’ve been made redundant, the problem is you still need to pay your rent. Dwelling on the whys and wherefores of why this happened to you and what you could have done to prevent it won’t change the facts of a situation, especially if it involves the actions of other people. So, when it comes to facts just accept– it happened/it sucked/it’s great/it’s over – and move on. Put your time and energy into solving problems.

Repurpose, retain & reconstruct

Once of the reasons the unexpected can be so disconcerting is that it can completely call into question who you are and why you do what you do. For me, this was especially so in relation to my work activities, all of which I was doing in line with a very specific plan which involved going back to NZ and setting up a holistic health clinic. When I suddenly found myself Seattle rather than Auckland bound for an indeterminate number of years, these activities suddenly seemed rather pointless.

The good thing about the unexpected is that it can bring into sharp relief the things that are really important to you and those which you might have talked yourself into or done out of habit which you can now discard.

So take some time to reflect on the sense of purpose that has brought you to this point and to identify those elements you really want to retain. Out of this you can construct a renewed sense of meaning and purpose which can help you make decisions for the road ahead.

Bolster your body

Whatever your mind is doing will be played out in your body in ways that may be unconscious and not obvious to the untrained eye. But taking care of your body through this process is one of the most rewarding and useful things you can do for a number of reasons:

It is something over which you have total control

In a world gone mad, where everything seems to be happening to you being able to decide exactly what you eat, what exercise you do and when to go for a massage can provide you with a much needed sense of control in the face of uncertainty.

Your body will respond to the stress even if your mind hasn’t acknowledged it

Even if you’re giving a great impression that everything is fine and you couldn’t be more excited about this new ‘opportunity’ that life has thrown your way, your body will pick up on any perceived threat (however subconscious) and trigger the stress response.

In the short term this is fine and won’t cause any problems but if this goes on for a prolonged period of weeks or months, failing to manage the stress response can put you at risk for developing range of short-term and long term physical and mental health conditions. To help manage this:

• Boost your intake of fresh fruit and vegetables and whole grains. As well as important nutrients these foods contain fibre which is essential in helping the body expel stress hormones and other toxins which tend to build up in the blood stream in times of stress.
• Cook your own meals as much as you can and make them from scratch. Research shows that cooking in and of itself is a form of stress relief as it requires concentration in the moment (mindfulness) to complete the tasks of chopping, stirring, whisking etc.
• Reduce your intake of stimulants and alcohol. Stimulants such as refined sugar and caffeine will feed anxiety and impact your ability to relax and sleep. Alcohol is a depressant so is likely to exacerbate worry and also affect sleep. Try using exercise to boost energy instead and go for a relaxing massage or a yoga class as a better way to unwind at the end of the day.
• Proactively relax. The stress response can cause physical tension to build up in the body which can impact everything from your digestive system to your ability to sleep. Meditation, yoga, reflexology, massage, walking in the woods, going to the movies, laughing with friends – whatever helps you relax and release tension is good at this time.

And most importantly…remember change is a process

Whether you’ve instigated a change or found yourself in the middle of one not of your own making, remind yourself that this is a process and, in the immortal words of John Lennon, remember that

“Everything will be alright in the end. If it’s not alright, it’s not the end”

About the author:

Natural Therapist and Wellness Coach, Tricia Alach specialises in working with busy people who want to relax, rebalance and revitalise their lives. Visit www.flowmindandbody.com or follow her @tricialach or on facebook for tips on how to live happier, healthier and more holistically in each and every day.

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